TODAY IS A GREAT DAY FOR A MIRACLE!

2 Corinthians 4:8-9   We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18  That is why we never give up, though our natural bodies are dying (tired), our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we do not look at the troubles we can see now, rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things are seen now will soon be gone but the unseen realm is eternal. 

Declaration: TODAY IS A GREAT DAY FOR A MIRACLE!

    There is so much about today that my natural human mind struggles to understand. We have poured out prayers to heaven in great abundance. We have fasted and fixed our eyes upon the plans of the Lord, declaring heaven on earth. We have believed the word of the Lord from trusted prophetic voices over our country. We stood strong, refusing to let the false prophets of media sway us in our spirits. Yet still we stand today without understanding, watching something unfold before us that we have fully believed would be stopped in it's tracks. So how Lord do we move into tomorrow? Our spirits are grieved, our hearts are heavy, from every natural and "seen" standpoint things appear hopeless... BUT GOD!

TODAY IS A GREAT DAY FOR A MIRACLE... so is tomorrow... and the next day... and the next... 

Although we are pressed, we refuse to be crushed by this. We may be perplexed but we refuse to despair! God has not forgotten us or abandoned us... His way is the best way, it always is. His way never makes full sense to us until everything is said and done and HE ALONE get's the glory. 

This present trouble is one that produces an eternal, weighty glory. So today let us be renewed in the spirit and declare that we are choosing to fix our eyes upon Jesus. Upon that which is unseen. We choose to let the temporary natural "seen" pass us by while our hearts are fixed upon Jesus. In that place we are unshaken. It is here that we won't be crushed, abandoned or destroyed. Jesus you alone deserve our eyes. You alone are our one thing. So we continue to pray, continue to seek breakthrough for our country. We continue to declare your plans and purposes, knowing the greatest outpouring of glory we have ever seen is on the horizon. Jesus you alone are worthy of our gaze and attention. Our faith, hope and trust are fully in you and you alone.

TODAY IS A GREAT DAY FOR A MIRACLE!

Upside down with angels

This is kind of a long one so grab a cup of coffee and settle in, I promise it is miraculous and worth the read.

About 2 weeks ago things got flipped upside down for my family. Literally. This particular Tuesday morning was cold, there was ice on the cars outside and the roofs of the houses in our neighborhood. The roads were dry and seemingly clear. I was enjoying the beauty of the cold winter morning and the frosty ice on the surrounding fields. We carpool with our friends that are also our neighbors so I picked up their little girl along with my two kids and we headed to school. We were driving our usual route when without warning we were completely out of control.  I must have hit black ice because suddenly I heard gravel under my tires and realized we were headed into the ditch. We live out in grass seed farming country so all the country roads have deep ditches. I quickly turned the wheel hard left to avoid the ditch and ended up heading across the road toward the other ditch. I over corrected again pulling the wheel right and felt my van begin to teeter side to side. Next thing I knew we were rolling. We hit on the passenger side first, blowing out all the windows, next we rolled on top toward the front of the van and I felt my head hit the top of the van. The movement was harsh and loud. I could hear glass shattering all around us and the sound of metal grinding on the pavement. Then out of nowhere, whoosh... a smooth pick up and we were on our tires, still on the road! We had rolled a full rotation. We had not been air born, there was not enough momentum for that and I felt the intense crash of the right side and top of the van, yet somehow the driver side never hit the ground.

When we landed my car was on it’s wheels and still running, the girls in the back were still screaming so I knew they were conscious. I looked over at my son, he appeared to be o.k. too. I turned off the van and tried to calm the girls down asking if everyone was alright, I looked at my son and said “I don’t know where my phone is but we need to call 911”.  He immediately started looking for my phone and found it under some debris and glass right by his feet. He picked it up, called 911 and began talking to the operator, telling them where we were and what had happened. I got the girls out of the van and safe to the side of the road. I took over the phone call and my son took over keeping the girls calm.

(Can we pause for a minute to celebrate how brave my 12 year old is? Proudest Mom moment. He saw a need and stepped into action, taking the lead and staying calm the whole time. He did not cry until I gave him a hug and told him how proud I was of him and thanked him for helping me. He is a hero.)

After we got off the phone with 911 a friend of ours happened to be cleaning stalls at a nearby barn that morning and drove past us on her way home. She stopped and pulled up behind us letting the kids sit in her truck where it was safe and warm. What a blessing she was to us that morning.

As emergency response showed up I told them what happened. They checked everyone out. No one was severely injured. I had small cuts on my hands from getting the girls out of the van and pulling some of our stuff out but not a scratch from the actual accident. The roof had caved in on the side of the van where my son was sitting. Glass had shattered all over him yet he didn't have a single scratch, just a bruise on his knee from the glove box. Our friends little girl had a cut on her elbow, she was in a booster seat which elevated her to window height and she had caught her elbow on the jagged glass in the window after we rolled. She was so brave. The cut needed a couple stitches but it was a minor injury considering the crash we all had been through and how much worse it could have and should have been. My daughter and I were a little sore on our shoulders and I had a bruised elbow but not a single one of us ended up bruised from the seat belt straps or seriously injured. Amazing.

The Sheriff came on the scene and I explained what had happened. He kept looking at the van and the spot where we had rolled. I could see the confusion on his face. Where we had landed on the road made absolutely no sense with the spot where we rolled. The damage on the vehicle also made no sense, the whole driver side was undamaged except the mirror. The fact that there was shattered glass and flying debris all over the van as we rolled yet no one was hurt, again made no sense. As I talked to the sheriff he asked me “You landed like that?” “Yes” I said, “ You landed like that, on your wheels? And stayed on the road? That doesn’t happen.” “I know, The Lord miraculously protected us” I told him. Logic and statistics says we should have landed upside down or on the driver side in the ditch and been severely hurt or worse. But God… he is a good good Father, a protector who defies logic and statistics. 

As we left the scene of the wreck I realized how disoriented I was. Our van had turned a complete 180 degrees without my knowing, where we landed was backwards from the direction we had been headed. Backward... set on our wheels, staying on the road the whole time yet we were about 50 feet back from where we rolled. Again, it all made no sense. It was at that moment I began to put all the pieces together realizing multiple angels had been sent to protect us. Angels had picked up the van and set us on the road, it was the ONLY explanation for the smooth “whoosh” movement I had felt and the reason the left side of the van was not damaged. More angels had held us firmly in our seats and covered us, shielding us from the glass and flying debris. My son’s door had flown open during the flip, purses and backpacks had been thrown from the vehicle through the window, full metal water bottles flew around in the van and the middle console which is big, heavy and unattached could have easily come off the floor and hit one of the kids or myself but did not. As I have gone back and looked at the photo’s I am completely baffled, the damage just doesn’t make any sense. That is how the miraculous works though, it is not explainable and this whole thing was completely miraculous.  

We lived Psalm 91 that day… February 18th, 2020.... Mine and my husbands 15th wedding anniversary. “For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.”

I am a BIG believer in the power of the testimony. It gives us the opportunity to live our faith out loud. Testimony changes people, it gives them faith to believe in the impossible and the opportunity to share in the miraculous that God is doing in the lives of those around them and believe it for their own lives. With that said, I believe there are some of you reading this that question the supernatural. You question if we have an open heaven over us. You question what heaven invading earth looks like and what the bible means when it says we are “entertaining angels” (Hebrews 13:2). I’m here to tell you it looks like this. Sometimes it is much more subtle and easy to miss. Whether circumstances are big and have you upside down with angels or small and someone pay’s for your coffee on a day when you really needed some kindness, I am convinced angelic encounters are far more numerous than we realize. So if your not sure heaven is invading earth; be sure. If you have a hard time believing angelic encounters happen; believe. I share this story as a testimony to our unbelievably good God, he took what the enemy meant for harm and destruction and made a miracle happen defending and protecting the whole way. 

I would encourage you today to take a minute and think about the times in your life where maybe you were entertaining angels without even knowing it. Where has the miraculous been at work in your life and your chalked it up to “luck”? God is always, only good and whether we see it or not he is at work in our lives.

 Front of van

passenger side

(notice how we are lined up and perfectly place on the side of the road.)

passenger side, front

passenger side back

 passenger side where my friend's little girl was sitting 

 interior passenger side where my son was sitting

interior front

The undamaged side of the vehicle.... proof that angels picked us up!

Thankful heart

This morning I was driving home in the fog from taking my kids to school. I had hot coffee in my hand and Christmas music playing on the stereo. Yes I know it's only October... I can't help myself. As I was driving I started feeling nostalgic. Something about the foggy autumn morning, a warm drink in my favorite mug and the music made me think about just how blessed my life is. Nostalgia left me grateful, thankful and feeling blessed.

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving, go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name". Psalm 100:4

Thankfulness goes hand in hand with praise; it is the bookend to living a life of worship. I asked myself this morning what would my days look like if I started and ended them with thanksgiving. Regardless of circumstances, regardless of situation, Praise... before the breakthrough. 

It is so easy to take the things in our life for granted instead of approaching them through the lens of a grateful heart. To be honest it's not often a day goes by that I don't think about the battles I have fought in my health. A song, a word, a simple question from a friend, something my kids say or do and I am reminded how miraculously Jesus saved my life. I often stop in those moments and give thanks for all God has done, yet there are still days I easily slip into routine and forget to acknowledge the blessed life I live. I have such a faithful loving Father who has so graciously supplied all of my needs and many of my wants. Why? Simply because he loves me. That's all, no motivation other than love and connection. His heart toward me holds the utmost purity. That alone is cause for thankfulness.
So as we quickly approach the Thanksgiving season, I challenge all of us (myself included) to spend time every morning and every evening cultivating a thankful heart. Take a step back, look at your life, find the many blessings, acknowledge them by giving thanks to the people around you and to the Father. I know it will change the atmosphere that surrounds your day.

My Tribe; I'm unbelievably thankful for them 

When Love Actually Wins

"Love Wins" a phrase that kind of makes my skin crawl if I'm being honest. So when I was asking the Lord about the title for this post and heard "When love actually wins" I wasn't too sure. The world today takes what the Father created in perfection and perverts it, twisting it to fit their version of "truth"... which really isn't truth at all. If "truth" existed outside of Jesus then there would be no actual truth at all, just a sea of opinions... but that's another blog for another day. True love, God's love, by the world's standard is being viewed as hate and their definition of "Love" is so far from truth it barely holds any in it. With that in mind, I have been asking God to teach me how to love like Jesus in a world that fully rejects His love. It's not an easy task and more often than not I get it wrong, but I am determined to love well.

As of late I have been trying to listen for the voice of God when I am out in the marketplace. I want to practice hearing and responding in obedience. It is always easier said than done but I have never once regretted stepping out and showing Jesus to someone. I have however, had regret over disobedience and not responding when I should have. So it should have come as no surprise recently when the Father spoke to me in the check out line of my local grocery store. His asking for my Yes while I was bagging groceries, made me pause and consider if I was really "all in" like I say I am. With Jesus my "Yes" should be as big at the grocery store as it is in the four walls of the church; let me backtrack a little and explain what I mean.
I had just finished checking out and I was bagging my groceries. I looked up and my eye caught an enormous glittery earring. I thought... WOW those are some big blingy earrings. As I looked more closely I saw it was the cashier in the next isle over. At first I thought it was a woman, then I realized it wasn't. As much as I want to pretend right now that my immediate reaction to the realization that this woman was actually a man was not judgement, it very much was. In response to my judgement the Father spoke these simple words "I love him desperately". I took a deep breath, disappointed in my thoughts of judgement toward this man I responded to the Father; "I know you do, I'm sorry." The conversation continued as He said to me "will you tell him?" To which I responded "I don't know if I can." Fear disguised as logic was trying to creep in but then I heard His voice again; "What if your the only one who ever tells him how much I love him". Double sigh. I knew I couldn't argue with that. I walked out to my car to load my groceries and muster up the strength to go speak to the cashier. While I loaded my groceries I started thinking I couldn't possibly interrupt the cashier while he was working... more fear disguised as logic. I also knew however, I couldn't walk away and not be obedient so I wrote down the words God had spoken to me on a piece of paper. My attempt for an easy out? probably, but just wait, it gets better.
I walked back into the store and marched straight into the bathroom fighting an inner dialogue the whole way of reasons why I shouldn't do this. I was scared. Of what? I'm not really sure but I told the Father while I stood in the grocery store bathroom that I was scared and didn't think I could do this.
"What if he get's mad?" I said,  "what if he doesn't" God responded. Again, an answer I couldn't argue with.
I walked out of the bathroom over to the cashier as he was in between customers. I had decided to give him the note and walk away but God had other plans. I approached and said "I hate to interrupt you while your working..." he turned around locked his register and interrupted me saying "But..." that was it, I was in too deep to use my note. So I looked him in the eyes and said "This might sound a little crazy to you, but I was over there bagging my groceries and Jesus highlighted you to me. He told me to tell you that he loves you desperately. He sees you right where your at. He knows your struggles and He is right there with you in the middle of it. Jesus loves you so much and wants you to know it today." I was a little stunned at what I had just done and a little anxious about how he would respond to it. He looked at me with deep blue sad eyes. I could see years of pain searching for love and acceptance in them. As he looked at me, he smiled and I watched as joy seemed to seep into his sad blue eyes. Then he said to me; "Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me." I sighed with relief at his positive response.  Then he said to me "Do you hug?" to which I responded " Of course I hug". So there in the middle of the grocery store with a line of customers waiting we stood and hugged. I wanted to burst into tears because I felt the love of Jesus so strong in that moment. I very literally felt the heart of the Father over him.
As I walked away I thanked God for choosing me to speak on his behalf to this man and I prayed for him and cried all the way home.

Friends, I am convinced this is how we begin to love people back into the kingdom. There was no radical salvation... yet. There was no pointing out his sin and demanding repentance in that very moment. The request made of me was simply to share the love of Jesus over him. It planted a seed of hope. As I prayed for the cashier on my way home I asked that the next person God put in his path would be obedient and they would plant another seed, then another, and another that eventually there would be fruit.

I don't tell you this story to boast about anything I did. There is nothing to boast about. My initial reaction to this man was a disappointing one of judgement. I wanted to drive away and pretend I wasn't hearing the voice of the Father. I looked for every excuse not to obey. I had to run into the bathroom for a second pep-talk from God before I had enough courage to simply say Yes. Saying "Jesus loves you" to a perfect stranger who I was likely to never see again shouldn't be that hard. I suppose this just shows me how much growing I still have to do.
My flawed reactions are hard to admit publicly like this because I wish they had been perfect, like Jesus'. They were not, but I share all of this because I want to assure you that if I can do it, you for sure can.
We need to be Christians who are not afraid to give our Yes and give it fully. That means Yes in the church and Yes in the marketplace. Sometimes the Yes will be weak and difficult, sometimes it will be confident and strong. The strength of our Yes is not the point. He can work with any willing, obedient heart. The point is are we willing to be Jesus to the man in the grocery store that most people will refuse to even make eye contact with? I know I want to be, and not just this once but every time he prompts.

"Love is patient, Love is kind, it does not envy or boast, it is not proud and does not dishonor others. Love is not self seeking, it's not easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrong and does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
- 1 Corinthians 3:4-7

Today I challenge you, in a world where love is losing and it's definition is being annihilated, will you redefine and let the Love of Jesus win?

Worth the fight

Sometimes, I get tired. Sometimes, I feel weak and discouraged. Sometimes I wonder, if it is all really worth the fight? Then I remind myself of the Father's undeniable faithfulness. I remind myself that I would not be here today if not for the miraculous healing grace of God. In those moments I pick myself up, shake off the disappointment and press on.
I am a fighter, not necessarily by nature but out of necessity. I have been up against chronic sickness and disease for most of my life, and have stood in the face of death a time or two. Situations like those force you to fight even if you are not instinctively a "fighter".  When difficulty comes whether it is in the context of health, relationships, or just life in general it is difficult for me not to want to fight...or more specifically to want to defend. I tend to be very defensive, often in situations that don't even call for defense of any kind. But I have walked through a season of grace and rest and in that season, the Father taught me to allow him to be my defense. He is the great defender, and he can cover me and fight for me better than I can even on my best day.
I recently wrote a song that is deeply personal, it is a song I can sing to the Lord and immediately feel him close. I sing it in the moments when discouragement and worthlessness hit me. When I forget that to Him I always have and always will be "worth the fight". I honestly believed when I first wrote it that this song was just for the Father and I. A song I would probably never share, but as I began to sing it more and more I heard him whisper that He wants me to share it. I share it because others need to know that they too are "worth the fight".  I don't have a recording, I hope to someday, but for now here is the lyric.

Worth the Fight 

You fight for me, win my battle

Heart defender, source of peace

Eyes ablaze and heart so kind

where storm and comfort meet

My worth will be found, only in you 

as you fight for me, you fight for me, win my battle

I lay down my life, only for you 

as you fight for me you fight for me, win my battle

Speak to me words so tender, 

you say I'm worth the fight

I find my rest against your chest

your presence is my light

My worth will be found, only in you 

as you fight for me, you fight for me, win my battle

I lay down my life, only for you 

as you fight for me you fight for me, win my battle

You come with gentle hand and pick up every piece

You tip my chin, dry my eyes and kiss my tear stained cheeks

You say I'm worth it, I am worth it worth the fight

I say your worth it, you are worth it, worth the fight
~

Never give up, never let go, never stop pursuing the glorious presence of almighty God. He will never give up on you. He will never let you go, and he will never stop pursuing. He will always fight for you. He will always win your battle. 

Awe

"Awesome"... a word that has had it's meaning diminished and has become more of a buzzword than anything else. Few things in life however are actually "Awe"some aside from God. The day I married the love of my life? Awesome. The birth of my children? Awesome. Jesus miraculously saving my life from cancer that should have killed me? definitely Awesome. Outside of that few things have left me in total awe, but this past week I went on a surprise trip my husband planned that did just that. We traveled to St. George Utah, it was an incredible trip and the sights left me awe struck and pondering the depth of our creator.

Upon our arrival we headed to Bryce Canyon. The weather reports for our week were less than stellar. Cold rain and snow at every park we planned to see. On our way to Bryce Canyon we prayed much of the drive for clear skies as I watched the dark storm clouds looming over our destination. I wanted to see the Canyon in all of it's glory, not the fog. As we approached Bryce Canyon the clouds began to part and the sun broke out. My husband and I observed the storm quite literally move around us, not a normal "storm pattern" at all. Jesus parted the clouds and held back the snow for us to see the Canyon. Just as we reached the top it began to snow again. I was in Awe that Jesus loves us so much he stopped a storm for us to take in the beauty of his creation. It was just that... beautiful. The red rock formations, the soft white snow on top of the high cliffs and the pops of green trees were absolutely amazing. The skies were glorious, the clouds felt angelic and powerful I watched their shadows move across the canyons bringing glorious sun breaks and then bursting open in the next moment with snow. It was amazing and left me excited to see more.

The following day we headed to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. I had no idea what was in store for me. Again, rain and snow were in the forecast and as we got closer we hit some fog. Not to be outdone by the day before, God covered the weather for us and it was clear skies for us as we pulled into the park. It had snowed the night before so the fields and trees as we approached the Grand Canyon were covered in a blanket of pillow like white snow. When we arrived and I saw the immense array of colors layered into each rock, the vast depth of the canyon and height of each peak I was quite literally awe struck. My husband asked me if I was alright as I fumbled to take pictures, and I replied "I'm just taking it all in".

This is the handwork of my Father.  I stood on a rock gazing into the Canyon, as I was praying in the spirit I had a vision of the enormous yet gentle hands of the Father forming each rock, canyon and peak. Thoughtfully placing color and depth into each carefully created aspect. I know these canyons have shifted and changed over time and were probably created by the flood. But the point is I more deeply understood how thoughtful and intentional creation is, it was not accidental. I think sometimes we read about creation in Genesis and think God spoke and poof it appeared. But I believe there was deep thought and intentional design that went into the detailed creation of everything in our world. Everything from climate to plants, animals and bodies of water that each region would need and how it would all work together on the earth is magnificently designed.  

As we drove back from the canyon I kept thinking about the awesomeness I had just seen and then I heard the Father whisper "but you were created in my image". With all the beauty there is in this world, all of the wonders we can see from mountain to sea, desert to rain forest, we are the most precious thing to him. All the exquisite wonder this world has to offer was created for us, but He created us for Him. We are beloved sons and daughters, made in His own image. We hold more value to the Father than anything else. Matthew 6:26 "Look at the birds, they don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable than they are?". Who could ever have known that a trip to St. George Utah of all places could establish wonder, awe and identity so deeply in me.

Better your way

     Do you ever hear a song and it speaks to you so much you feel like it's telling your life story? As if somehow the writer had a window into your soul when they wrote the lyric? That's how I feel about "Defender" by Rita Springer. The whole song is an anthem for me but there is a line in the chorus that in it's simplicity speaks to me in a profound way; "Hallelujah Great Defender, so much better your way".  This lyric put words to a work the Lord had already begun in my heart but I didn't quite have the language to describe. 

     In our humanity we are often quick to "defend our way" we want people to see, know and understand the how and the why of what we do. In the past few years the Lord has been teaching me to stop living my life on the defense and allow Him to be my defender in everything. When I surrender my defense I allow the Father to do things His way. When things go His way it is always SO much better than any plan I could fabricate on my own. His way is divine, His way sees details I will never see, His way directs my paths in ways my mind cannot comprehend, His way requires trust. It erases the selfish facade of security I create and allows me to see broad spectrum. It opens my eyes to people and things around me that I otherwise miss. I am learning day by day to trust that His way is always the best way. 

     Does that mean I never default to wanting to do things my way? No, it simply means I'm quick to surrender my way, quick to lay down how I think things should look and allow circumstances to unfold His way. This has been a hard lesson, one that is ongoing and is taking time but the Lord is so faithful to be patient with me in the process.

     When I went through cancer treatment I had to learn to surrender what I thought things should look like and allow Him to defend my life the way He wanted. When I started chemo they told me I would need 6 rounds. Being the planner that I am, I set to my calendar and mapped out 6 rounds of chemo. I figured they would go perfectly smoothly and I would finish chemo in November 2015 and enter 2016 cancer free and done with treatment. 

     After my first round of in-patient chemo I ended up neutropenic (meaning I had an extremely low white blood cell count) and I was re-admitted to the hospital after only being home 2 days, tossing my entire treatment calendar to the wind. I quickly realized that everything about this process was completely out of my control. Throughout my treatment there were other issues that came up causing more delay. I often found myself disappointed that things were not going the way I had imagined. I would cry out to God, He was always faithful to show up and see me through. Time and time again he brought breakthrough in my time of need but it almost never looked how I thought it would. 
     My 6th chemo came and went, after a PET scan that still showed a tiny spot of cancer they decided on 2 additional rounds of in-patient chemo at OHSU. These would be more intense then the first 6 out-patient treatments. Yet again, things were not looking how I thought they should but after an intense encounter with Jesus where He broke the spirit of fear and gave me a promise of healing I felt full of hope and faith heading into those treatments. 
(see blog post titled No More Fear to hear more about that encounter).
      The end was in sight... or so I thought. I had finished up the two treatments and the doctors informed us that they thought we should consider an autologuous stem cell transplant. My husband and I struggled with this decision knowing we had a promise of healing but not being able to ignore the facts that surrounded the success of the stem cell transplant. After much prayer and consideration we decided to go forward with it. This meant 6-8 weeks away from my family. Yet again things were not looking the way I had hoped. But God showed up and drew me closer than ever during the whole process. I encountered Jesus in a deep way and learned to allow him to defend me when I was much too weak. 
     He took what could have been up to an 8 week process and did things His way. I was released from the hospital just after 3 weeks and was allowed to leave Portland and go home about 2 and a half weeks after that. His way accelerated what I had mapped out in my head. I was cancer free, rejoicing in his Miraculous work and His undeniable faithfulness to see me through the most difficult season of my life.
    3 months after my stem cell transplant they did a follow up PET scan. I was holding onto God's promises and for the first time since being diagnosed I was not nervous about the results. I walked confidently into my appointment only to have my confidence dashed by a report of a tiny spot on my liver where most of the cancer had originally been. They couldn't be sure it was cancer and it was too small to biopsy, our only choice was to wait. 
     As we waited I struggled with the anxiety of it all. I wasn't ready to face cancer again after just barely getting my life back. I hadn't even fully recovered from the stem cell transplant and all the chemo. I couldn't understand what was happening but I had learned to surrender that which I do not understand into the hands of the father trusting that he had a plan far better than what I could see.
     I continued doing what I had done all along, I prayed, I worshiped, I declared promises and prophesied healing over my body. During that waiting month I trusted God and believed his promises. When my next PET scan came back now showing 2 spots, I was crushed and disappointed. I felt the disappointment, then picked myself up off the floor and began to trust yet again that things were better His way. The doctors were almost certain these 2 spots must be cancer returning and were talking to us about our options. I was almost certain they were not cancer but had absolutely no idea what they could be. The doctors decided to biopsy.
     I went home and cried out to God. "What is happening here? You have told me I will live and not die, you told me cancer wouldn't touch me again! You paid for this healing on the cross, I believe it completely so why are these spots not gone?" I was frustrated, feeling hopeless and not sure what to do. The Lord spoke 3 simple words but they were crystal clear; "Expect a miracle". 
    I took those words as a promise, and began to prophesy that promise over my life. Over and over I told myself to expect a miracle until I began to believe it. I went into the biopsy sure that they were not going to find a spot to biopsy and expecting a miracle. During the procedure and they quickly found and performed the biopsy on the 2 spots. I was again horribly disappointed. I walked to the car with my husband and cried.
     I had no understanding, God told me to expect a miracle and I did so why were they able to find a spot? I went home and I cried out to God, he responded with the same 3 simple words; "Expect a miracle". I again responded by prophesying my promise over and over until I believed it.
 My husband and I walked into the appointment where we would receive the results of the biopsy. He was partnering with my faith and I was absolutely certain I would receive a good report although I had no idea how those spots could be explained if they were not cancer. The doctor walked in and delivered the news, "we can't find any cancer" even he couldn't believe what he was saying. "They are sure they got the spots in the biopsy but they are just showing some dead liver tissue, we cannot find any trace of cancer." 
     Due to all the cancer that had previously been on my liver and all the treatment I had been through, dead liver tissue made sense. I was able to share with our doctor about the miracle God was performing. Jesus was honored in that appointment.
     You see, I had projected my idea of what the miracle should look like because my carnal mind could not possibly conceive things going any other way. I still had faith that God would do a miracle, I wasn't capable of it on my own. I had pure motives but at the time the only way I could wrap my head around expecting a miracle was for it to look the way I thought it should. The Father however, saw details I could not see. He knew the best way to defend and heal me. He knew it was better His way and that it had to be done His way, even if I couldn't understand it. In the end His way brought the Miracle and Jesus was glorified.

-"Hallelujah Great defender, so much better your way"- 

New Year, New Me

"I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I'v never been. I feel you coming and I hear your voice on the wind... Further and Further my heart moves away from the shore, whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am yours...Then you crash over me, and I've lost control but I'm free, I'm going under, I'm in over my heard. You crash over me and that's where you want me to be, I'm going under, I'm in over my head. Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head" 

- excerpts of lyric from "In over my head" by Jenn Johnson

For much if not all of 2018 I felt like I was in over my head. This song is an older one by Jenn Johnson but it quickly became a prophetic anthem over my 2018 year. I started the year out anticipating one of the greatest opportunities I had ever been presented with. I found out on January 4th that I would be attending a worship and creative school in Texas called DIVE (Deep Innovative Vertical Expressions). It would be there that I would get the opportunity to learn and glean from my favorite worship leader Rita Springer. This is an opportunity that changed my life in ways I never could have anticipated.
When I left for that week, I had no idea what to expect but the few expectations I did have were blown way out of the water. During that week God poured unbelievable prophetic ministry into my life. He healed some wounds and unloaded some of my baggage. He unlocked things in me I knew were there but I did not know how to access. Things I had lost hope of ever seeing fulfilled. He put in my path someone who did not have to believe in me but she did all the same. She encouraged me to step into all God had for me creatively. I gained wisdom, understanding, and truth. I grew in the spirit and I grew in my gifts. I am so grateful for that week in time and all that Holy Spirit unlocked for me and did in me.

At the beginning of 2018 God began to fully restore that which had been put on hold for a long time. He had asked me to put music down a long time ago and not pick it up again until I was completely satisfied never singing or playing again for anyone but him. This was a painful process and something I did not think was possible for me but through an extremely difficult 7 years of life I came to that very place. The number 7 represents completion and it was at that 7 year mark where I can honestly say that the gift of music in my life became completely His. I no longer had any expectations on it and he could finally do whatever he wanted with it. When I reached that point God began to restore music to me and he showed me a picture of the process of laying it down and what it had all been for.
 In this picture he showed me a tarnished trophy. It was dented, dull, ugly, and broken. It was not anything anyone would be proud to own. Then he showed me a picture of a brand new trophy, it was shiny, it had no marks on it, it was beautiful and something the owner would proudly put on display. I asked the Lord what these trophies represented, He said "These are your gifts Stef, for a long time you had projected a lot of your own dreams and expectations on those gifts. Your identity was completely wrapped up in the gift, not in me. Your approach tarnished the gift. When you laid down music 7 years ago I picked up all the pieces of the tarnished trophy and began to make it new again. Now I am restoring that gift to you and more, trusting you with them again"
 In those years I waited, and I surrendered. There were a lot of painful moments. A lot of "its not fair" and "why me" moments but as I laid my tarnished gifts at His feet, surrendered to the process and let myself melt into the arms of my father I found true fulfillment.
In 2018 I found my identity in Christ. I found I no longer needed the things I once had, I found all I really needed, all I really wanted was to draw close to the father. Many of the things I had once cared about no longer seem important to me. The father pulled me in close and began to show me the way he sees me, my true identity. I began to realize how many lies I had believed about myself, I started to break up with those lies and began to partner with the truth of who God says I am.
So today I close the door on a chapter and year in my life I will always remember fondly. A year where God picked up a lot of broken pieces, put them back together and created a beautiful mosaic of identity rooted and grounded in him. The best version of me. I am and always will be a work in progress, clay in the hands of the potter. But I am learning to love the process. I am anticipating 2019 with great expectation.

Rest

Rest...something we all desire. Something we all desperately need but rarely make time for. Making time to rest tends to fall at the bottom of our priority list, when actually it should be at the top. The obsession with "keeping ourselves busy" is making us as a society sick and destroying our relationships. Often the relationship that suffers the greatest is with our Heavenly Father.

On the 7th day, after God had finished all his many marvelous creations, He rested. He prioritized rest, because even the Father in his absolute strength and undeniable perfection knew the importance of rest. I do not think the Father's rest was just because he was tired from all he had just done. I like to think it was because on the 6th day when he created Adam and Eve he fell so in love with them that he wanted to take the day off and just be with them, so he rested.

In the new testament Jesus said  "I only do what I see my Father do" the Father set an example of rest from the beginning of time for the very first man. Rest was so important to him that he mentions it 388 times in the bible and set aside a full day every week for us to rest and commanded us to honor that day. Rest is important because in our rest, we create opportunity to draw close to the Father and he longs to be close to us.

Rest is difficult to prioritize, especially for someone like me.  I am a busy person and most of the time my week is planned out hour by hour. In fact I schedule an entire day to rest (in addition to Sunday) on my weekly calendar. When I ignore my "rest day" and fill that day with "busy" I always regret it by the time the weekend comes. My body needs rest more so than a lot of others. I have endured a lot physically and if I don't rest it hits me body, mind and spirit. My husband tells me on a regular basis that I need to slow down and rest, just between you and me… he is always right. When I rest my favorite thing to do is sit and worship, read, or write. It's relaxing to me to do those things. The things I love to do when I rest are the things that cultivate an atmosphere to encounter Jesus and draw close to Holy Spirit.  

I recently listened to a podcast on Rest by Jonathan Helser, in it he said something that stuck out to me. He said "Burn out happens when our doing exceeds our being, great leaders know how to rest, they know how to sustain themselves and run the race." How many times do we run ourselves ragged in the name of ministry? That is not the heart of the Father. When we minister to others it should be from a place of rest. We work from rest not for it. The Sabbath, our day of rest, is the first day of the week for a reason. We were created with the need for rest and the Father knew we needed to begin with it. I am not saying we never need to go and do, we absolutely need to fulfill the great commission but before we are capable of pouring into those activations we MUST connect with the Father. If we have no connection we have no influence, we have no power. Connection and encounter happen when we rest, when we just hang out in His presence.

Biblically speaking Sabbath (rest) is not an option, it is the 4th commandment. He commands us to honor the Sabbath and keep it holy… Holy means "set apart, consecrated, sacred, blessed, divine, revered". Rest is sacred, it came before the fall which to me means our need for rest would have been there whether sin had entered the world or not. Rest is God's original design, we were created perfectly in the image of God with a need to rest.

We are seeing the world around us highly affected by lack of rest. Sickness, disease, depression and anxiety are on the rise and I believe our lack of rest plays a huge roll in all of those. I have watched my dear friend and my sister be knocked upside the head with adrenal fatigue. It has been a huge struggle for both of them physically and spiritually. In the midst of pain, anxiety, sickness and unbelievable exhaustion they both have learned that if they do not make time to rest the situation only escalates. Both of them would tell you to stop pushing yourself so had, to make time for rest now, and to take care of your mind, body, and spirit by giving it the rest it needs.

Psalm 91:1 says "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord; He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God and I trust him." Our dwelling, the place where we live should be in the hands of our Father. It is there that we find rest and it is in our rest that our battles are won and we are safe. When we rest in the Father we are home. He is like comfy sweats and a warm fire on a cold stormy night. He brings peace in times of terror and healing to our sickness. He is our strength and our covering, our shelter and our protection. All of these things come when we rest in the shadow of the almighty. So go take a nap, listen to a podcast, surround yourself with worship, read, write, sing, bake, cook, draw, paint, do whatever makes you feel close to the Father and be restored. Rest.

Pearl of Great Price

I was reading in Matthew 13 the other day and came across the parable of the Pearl of Great Price.

"Heaven's kingdom realm is like a jewel merchant in search of rare pearls. When he discovered one very precious and exquisite pearl, he immediately gave up all he had in exchange for it." (TPT)

I have always found this parable beautiful. Such a wonderful prophetic illustration of the cross that was to come. Jesus, the merchant, is seeking us, the precious pearl. Searching us out, looking for our beauty. The exquisite beauty His Father created. When He finds it, He gives up all He has in exchange for it. He gave up His life because I, even in my sin, was so exquisitely beautiful to Him that He couldn't resist me. He had to have me, all of me, no matter what the cost. Even as I write this I am unable to grasp the depth of that kind of love. A love so intimate, deep and personal that He would take on shame, humiliation, guilt, and all sin no matter how ugly. He would plunge to depths so low, so dark, so desperate, so evil that even His Father had to turn away. This the cost of His life for mine, but to Him, I am worth it.
How could I not run full force into the hands of the one who paid the price to love me, and me alone. The one who brought me from slave to free. The one who took me out of hopelessness and certain death into glorious hope and eternal life. How could I not sacrifice all and surrender to a love that deep? A love so deep there is literally nothing natural capable of reflecting it. A love that is in and of itself supernatural.
There is a terrible misconception in Christianity today that says intimate love with our Savior Jesus is somehow strange or weird, that it is unattainable and should be avoided because He doesn't relate to us in that way. That misconception holds people from destiny. It holds them back from their intended relationship with Jesus. That misconception is a lie disguised as truth and is stealing your very identity. You... the pearl of great price were born for intimate relationship. You were created for this kind of intimate love. His love is so deep that no genuine satisfaction can be found outside of it. Why are so many today frantically searching for love? Desperately trying to find a love that satisfies and accepts them. Searching so frantically, to the point of self mutilation in the name of finding truth, finding love. But in the end they find themselves feeling less fulfilled and more desperate than when they began. Why? Because our spirit is created for intimate love, and we are so determined to see it manifest in our lives we would in turn pay any price for something promising to fill that void. The problem with that is the highest price has already been paid. You cannot buy what has already been bought. The love we desire, the love our spirit needs is ours for the taking. You just have to say "yes", you just have to surrender.
Today as you read this, if it strikes a chord in you, know that Jesus is seeking you. He wants intimate relationship with you. He wants to love you on a level your mind cannot fully understand. He wants to catapult you into an eternal destiny that goes far beyond what you have imagined in this lifetime. Let Him love you fiercely. Allow Him to take your mess and transform it into wondrous beauty. For you, uniquely loved, individually created, exquisitely formed are His pearl of great price.

Pretty Please with a Cherry on Top

Five, the number of grace and the age of my youngest when I was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. I can't help but think her age was prophetic to the season she was about to walk through. She was about to start Kindergarten and my son 3rd grade. Most parents would expect something as traumatic as a parent being diagnosed with cancer to evoke some pretty strong emotions so we were prepared for that as we talked about how to tell our children what we were facing. 

When you are as sick as I was, the first instinct is to "protect" children from the reality of how bad things are. We tend to "sugar coat" things for kids to somehow soften the blow but my husband and I decided from the beginning it was best to be honest with our kids. We wanted to share all the information we had and teach them to respond with faith. Our kids knew what cancer was, they had just watched God miraculously heal our children's pastor and dear friend of cancer. They prayed faithfully for her every single day and rejoiced when God miraculously healed her. So when we sat down to tell our kids then 5 and 8 years old that Mommy had cancer we knew some pretty raw emotions would follow but we also knew our kids would know how to respond. There were a lot of tears, there were a lot of questions, there were moments of confusion and fear, but mostly there was an unbelievable response of faith.

No Sugar Coat

Let's just be honest... You can sugar coat things all you want but kids have a sensitive spirit and they know when something is up. They may not have the maturity to discern what they are picking up on but they are no less sensitive to what happens in the atmosphere around them than we are. In fact I believe they often times are far more sensitive to the atmospheres around them than we are. I believe this is simply because in their naivety they don't rationalize the spirit away. If there is tension in the home kids will feel it and it will effect them. If they don't know the cause of the tension it will increase their anxiety over a situation. Let me tell you, it was extremely difficult to look into the sweet faces of our children and tell them Mommy had cancer and we needed a miracle. But we knew if we were not honest, our kids would be far more stressed and anxious than if they were made fully aware of the situation. We also knew this was an opportunity to learn, grow and partner with a heart for the miraculous. This was an opportunity to stretch their faith far beyond their years. Stretch their faith it did, my children amazed me with their fervent prayer, and their resilience in traumatic circumstances. 

Every night my children would lay their hands on me and pray for healing. They would give me lots of hugs and take care of me at every opportunity. Did they feel scared? yes, often. But they knew how to deal with fear because we had taught them. My children know how to pray and that is exactly what they did.

Faith of a Child

There were a lot of people praying for us, the army of prayer warriors was amazing and humbling. Between our friends, family, church, community and social media there were countless prayers and unbelievable support for us. It was one particular prayer however that affected me deeply, that was the prayer of my daughter. Every night she would lay her hands on me and pray "Jesus, please, pretty please, pretty please with a cherry on top heal my Mommy from cancer." Every night I would walk out of her room with tears in my eyes and tell Father " If you hear any prayer... hear that one".

A lot of adults would probably say "oh that's so sweet, 'pretty please with a cherry on top', how cute." But I knew it was much more than that. I knew "pretty please with a cherry on top" was her deepest cry, and heart desire. I knew for my 5 year old it was the sound of intercession. It was pure, it was desperate, it was surrendered, and it was full of faith. She was pleading with Holy Spirit for the life of her Mom.

Breakthrough

Jesus would come through for my little girl in a very big way. He brought me miraculously through the cancer, extensive treatment, and a stem cell transplant. My daughter is now 8 and has not lost her heart for healing and intercession. She has great faith. If your not feeling well she is the first to pray for you and when she does she expects God to show up and heal. It's beautiful and I pray she never loses that faith and expectation.

I recently was in a meeting where a woman shared a powerful testimony of her life, losing her mother to cancer as an adult and her own heart of intercession through that experience. As I listened to her story I was a mess, for a lot of reasons but mostly because the story hit remarkably close to home. The Lord spoke to me in that meeting and told me that the faith of my daughter played a significant role in my healing. She expected Him to heal, she was not afraid to get her hopes up, not afraid of being disappointed, she just held onto raw, beautiful, undiluted faith.

How many times as a child were you told "don't get your hopes up"? How many times have you said it as an adult? I'd like to challenge that theory. Get your hopes up, expect God to move, let your faith rise up higher and higher until you see the breakthrough you need. Then rejoice as you watch your miracle unfold.