"I'm standing knee deep but I'm out where I'v never been. I feel you coming and I hear your voice on the wind... Further and Further my heart moves away from the shore, whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am yours...Then you crash over me, and I've lost control but I'm free, I'm going under, I'm in over my heard. You crash over me and that's where you want me to be, I'm going under, I'm in over my head. Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head"
- excerpts of lyric from "In over my head" by Jenn Johnson
For much if not all of 2018 I felt like I was in over my head. This song is an older one by Jenn Johnson but it quickly became a prophetic anthem over my 2018 year. I started the year out anticipating one of the greatest opportunities I had ever been presented with. I found out on January 4th that I would be attending a worship and creative school in Texas called DIVE (Deep Innovative Vertical Expressions). It would be there that I would get the opportunity to learn and glean from my favorite worship leader Rita Springer. This is an opportunity that changed my life in ways I never could have anticipated.
When I left for that week, I had no idea what to expect but the few expectations I did have were blown way out of the water. During that week God poured unbelievable prophetic ministry into my life. He healed some wounds and unloaded some of my baggage. He unlocked things in me I knew were there but I did not know how to access. Things I had lost hope of ever seeing fulfilled. He put in my path someone who did not have to believe in me but she did all the same. She encouraged me to step into all God had for me creatively. I gained wisdom, understanding, and truth. I grew in the spirit and I grew in my gifts. I am so grateful for that week in time and all that Holy Spirit unlocked for me and did in me.
At the beginning of 2018 God began to fully restore that which had been put on hold for a long time. He had asked me to put music down a long time ago and not pick it up again until I was completely satisfied never singing or playing again for anyone but him. This was a painful process and something I did not think was possible for me but through an extremely difficult 7 years of life I came to that very place. The number 7 represents completion and it was at that 7 year mark where I can honestly say that the gift of music in my life became completely His. I no longer had any expectations on it and he could finally do whatever he wanted with it. When I reached that point God began to restore music to me and he showed me a picture of the process of laying it down and what it had all been for.
In this picture he showed me a tarnished trophy. It was dented, dull, ugly, and broken. It was not anything anyone would be proud to own. Then he showed me a picture of a brand new trophy, it was shiny, it had no marks on it, it was beautiful and something the owner would proudly put on display. I asked the Lord what these trophies represented, He said "These are your gifts Stef, for a long time you had projected a lot of your own dreams and expectations on those gifts. Your identity was completely wrapped up in the gift, not in me. Your approach tarnished the gift. When you laid down music 7 years ago I picked up all the pieces of the tarnished trophy and began to make it new again. Now I am restoring that gift to you and more, trusting you with them again"
In those years I waited, and I surrendered. There were a lot of painful moments. A lot of "its not fair" and "why me" moments but as I laid my tarnished gifts at His feet, surrendered to the process and let myself melt into the arms of my father I found true fulfillment.
In 2018 I found my identity in Christ. I found I no longer needed the things I once had, I found all I really needed, all I really wanted was to draw close to the father. Many of the things I had once cared about no longer seem important to me. The father pulled me in close and began to show me the way he sees me, my true identity. I began to realize how many lies I had believed about myself, I started to break up with those lies and began to partner with the truth of who God says I am.
So today I close the door on a chapter and year in my life I will always remember fondly. A year where God picked up a lot of broken pieces, put them back together and created a beautiful mosaic of identity rooted and grounded in him. The best version of me. I am and always will be a work in progress, clay in the hands of the potter. But I am learning to love the process. I am anticipating 2019 with great expectation.
