No more Fear

 In December 2015 I had finished up what was supposed to be my final round of chemo for lymphoma and had a PET scan. We had just received the results of that PET and it still showed a tiny spot of cancer. I knew that given time and left untreated, that spot would grow and I would be right back where I started. I knew that tiny spot meant more treatment, and I didn’t think I could bear anymore. I had expected to start 2016 cancer free and done with treatment. I was devastated and desperate. But there is something about desperation that (if we are willing) forces us into the hand of God. My husband was at work, my kids in school and I was laying on my bedroom floor broken and in tears.

(Left is at diagnosis, right is Dec. 2015 after 6 rounds of chemo)

Promise

I was angry, not at God but at the situation I found myself in. Angry with not seeing the complete breakthrough I had expected. I was angry that the cancer was not gone as I expected it would be. I was unsure if I would live or die, and hated that the future of my family was so unclear. I turned on a video of a spontaneous prophetic moment someone had sent to me. The song was simply this “You’re gonna live and not die, says God.” Over and over he sang this melody and as soon as I heard it the Lord spoke to me and said “this is your promise”.

I spent the next several minutes jumping around my room screaming this promise “You’re gonna live and not die, says God”, I screamed it until I couldn’t anymore. I fell on the floor exhausted and in tears, the presence that was in the room was unlike any I had ever experienced before. I began to talk to God candidly, more so than I ever had. I told him how angry I was, and how I just didn’t understand why this wasn’t over, I had been through so much… too much at times. “Lord, I don’t understand. I have laid everything out for you, I am as bare and transparent as I can be. I have sought out faith and set an atmosphere of faith for healing. I have worshiped day in and day out, I have spoken truth, I have declared promises, I have had people come and pray. I have done everything I know to do and then some. What is it that is holding me back, what more do you want from me?”

Surrender

The Lord quickly responded to me “Stef, do you trust me with your kids?, I also responded quickly “ Yes Lord, of course I trust you with my kids.” He responded again, “No Stef, do you trust me enough to believe that whether you live or die I will take care of and protect your kids?”  I paused and broke. The response to this question did not come nearly as quickly, I realized I was not fully trusting the Lord with my kids. They were my weakness, they were the place where I had allowed fear to remain. They were quite simply the last shred of control over anything in my life I had left. I spent a long time in his presence sobbing from the deepest place I had in me. I then began to pray, my heart had no words so I allowed Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf. Finally after what felt like hours, I surrendered. I repented for fear and control. I told Father I trusted him with my kids, that whether I lived or died they would be O.K. Then I surrendered my children back to Him. They were His to begin with, He had trusted me with them, now I needed to return the trust. In that moment of total surrender I felt the spirit of fear break. Fear had controlled my life and decisions for far longer than I cared to admit or even realized.  I knew that fear had completely broken, I was sure of it because for the first time in my life I was not afraid to die. I can’t explain the liberation in this feeling, it was nothing I could ever have achieved on my own. It was a miracle breakthrough I never thought I would see in my lifetime. I was free and in that moment I knew my healing would be complete.

No More Fear

Fear is no joke. It’s not to be messed with or entertained. When we allow it for even moments we begin to give it access in our lives. So how do we manage fear? Seek out the root, where did it begin and where is it strongest? Ask Holy Spirit to reveal it and surrender whatever it is. The hard part comes in maintaining it. After all of my treatment concluded I would face some of the most fearful and anxious days I had ever seen. I hated it, but it was in these anxious, fearful moments that I learned how to maintain my freedom and walk it out day to day. Prophesying life over my mind and my body, declaring the promises and truth God has spoken over my life. When I do this I not only remind myself of what God promised me, but I remind the enemy who is on my team and what God says is the truth about me. Most importantly when fear hits, I worship. I almost always have worship music playing. I have playlists with specific songs for specific struggles and I put them on as I need them. When we worship Holy Spirit draws near to us and the enemy cannot remain. He hates the sound of worship and our Father loves it. When I set an atmosphere around my life where the Father loves to remain and the enemy hates I maintain peace and balance in my life and home. Walking out freedom from any kind of stronghold in your life is no easy task, especially those related to fear. It can feel extremely overwhelming at times and seem as though the mountain is too high, but HE is the the mountain mover. He can shift any atmosphere and break any chain. He can set you free from fear just like he did me. It’s really just a matter of how surrendered we are willing to be.