Always Only Good

I am sitting here tonight thinking about the goodness of God. Contemplating, his goodness despite moments that don’t necessarily “feel” good. In the wake of saying goodbye to a beautiful young woman who went home to be with Jesus after a battle with cancer, my heart is aching. I long to have understanding as to the why, but I know my heart and mind do not have the capacity to fully understand, not yet anyway.  I have spent a lot of time in the past few years declaring the goodness of God despite difficult circumstances. Not just declaring it but really believing with every ounce of me that he is always only good. Prophesying truth into every circumstance. But somehow when it is in the context of death, goodness becomes harder to grasp. Harder to see how it can all work together for good. I do not now nor will I ever question who God is or that he is good, but I think it’s easy to declare “God is good!” without any revelation of His goodness in that situation. Without true revelation, the declaration falls flat.

Sometimes we have to stop and think long enough to be honest with ourselves and say “God my mind knows you are good, but this doesn't ‘feel’ good at all. Show me your goodness in this pain”. God’s goodness is greater than our feelings, it’s greater than our circumstances, it’s greater than any situation we can be faced with. In order to see that goodness manifest in our desperate situation we have to begin to surrender our human understanding for true revelation of His goodness.

We want answers and we want them now… It’s human nature. We have this undeniable need to know the ‘why’ in every circumstance. It’s how we attempt to find peace in tragedy. But as Bill Johnson says “ You cannot find the peace that passes all understanding until you give up your right to understand.” Giving up our right to understand forces us to trust in God. Faith begins with trust. Trust implies an unknown, without the unknown there is no need for trust. Trust then moves to belief. Belief that God can move your mountain no matter how big it looks from where you stand. Belief then moves to expectation. Expectation says “God I expect you to come through for me, however that looks to you. I’m willing to risk pain and disappointment in order to see fulfillment of the promise.

It’s all too easy to rationalize our pain, grief, or difficulties into an explanation that makes sense to the human mind. But does that explanation sacrifice who God is in nature for the sake of human understanding? Should it not be our understanding that gets sacrificed for the true nature of His goodness? Sacrificing my right to understand, knowing and believing he is good even when what I am walking through doesn’t “feel” good. The nature of God’s goodness is more than a feeling. Goodness is His identity. Identity trumps feeling. Feelings come and go, they change with seasons, they can change by the minute. The Identity of Heavenly Father NEVER changes. It is never shaken, it will not be moved. He is always only good. When we walk through severe pain it’s easy to lose sight of His goodness because of our feelings. It’s easy to feel entitled to some understanding. It’s easy to want to know things we were never created to understand.
I have recently come to a place in my life where I have started asking God a lot of questions. Not in a disrespectful way, just in a “your my Dad, and I have questions to things I don’t understand” way. Sometimes he answers with beautiful detail, drawing conclusions I never could have seen. And sometimes his answer is “Stef, this isn’t something you can understand right now” or simply “Stef, it’s not your fight”. I am learning not to be discouraged by those answers. A Father answers his child with words the child can understand. There are some questions that the child is not ready to have answered. There are some questions a child is not mature enough to grasp. But when the time comes, a loving father always draws that child close and gives them the answers they need in a way they can understand.
The same is true with our Heavenly Father. He loves us so much, enough to protect us. He gives us exactly what we need and answers us with the perfect answer. So I encourage you, listen for His voice, don’t be discouraged when your mind doesn't understand, don’t doubt the nature of God’s goodness. Simply know the answer you need will be revealed in his perfect timing. Whether that is in this life on earth or when we walk with him in heaven, he is always faithful to answer us. He is always only good.

Photo images by Heidi Winklepleck of Union Circle Photography

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No more Fear

 In December 2015 I had finished up what was supposed to be my final round of chemo for lymphoma and had a PET scan. We had just received the results of that PET and it still showed a tiny spot of cancer. I knew that given time and left untreated, that spot would grow and I would be right back where I started. I knew that tiny spot meant more treatment, and I didn’t think I could bear anymore. I had expected to start 2016 cancer free and done with treatment. I was devastated and desperate. But there is something about desperation that (if we are willing) forces us into the hand of God. My husband was at work, my kids in school and I was laying on my bedroom floor broken and in tears.

(Left is at diagnosis, right is Dec. 2015 after 6 rounds of chemo)

Promise

I was angry, not at God but at the situation I found myself in. Angry with not seeing the complete breakthrough I had expected. I was angry that the cancer was not gone as I expected it would be. I was unsure if I would live or die, and hated that the future of my family was so unclear. I turned on a video of a spontaneous prophetic moment someone had sent to me. The song was simply this “You’re gonna live and not die, says God.” Over and over he sang this melody and as soon as I heard it the Lord spoke to me and said “this is your promise”.

I spent the next several minutes jumping around my room screaming this promise “You’re gonna live and not die, says God”, I screamed it until I couldn’t anymore. I fell on the floor exhausted and in tears, the presence that was in the room was unlike any I had ever experienced before. I began to talk to God candidly, more so than I ever had. I told him how angry I was, and how I just didn’t understand why this wasn’t over, I had been through so much… too much at times. “Lord, I don’t understand. I have laid everything out for you, I am as bare and transparent as I can be. I have sought out faith and set an atmosphere of faith for healing. I have worshiped day in and day out, I have spoken truth, I have declared promises, I have had people come and pray. I have done everything I know to do and then some. What is it that is holding me back, what more do you want from me?”

Surrender

The Lord quickly responded to me “Stef, do you trust me with your kids?, I also responded quickly “ Yes Lord, of course I trust you with my kids.” He responded again, “No Stef, do you trust me enough to believe that whether you live or die I will take care of and protect your kids?”  I paused and broke. The response to this question did not come nearly as quickly, I realized I was not fully trusting the Lord with my kids. They were my weakness, they were the place where I had allowed fear to remain. They were quite simply the last shred of control over anything in my life I had left. I spent a long time in his presence sobbing from the deepest place I had in me. I then began to pray, my heart had no words so I allowed Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf. Finally after what felt like hours, I surrendered. I repented for fear and control. I told Father I trusted him with my kids, that whether I lived or died they would be O.K. Then I surrendered my children back to Him. They were His to begin with, He had trusted me with them, now I needed to return the trust. In that moment of total surrender I felt the spirit of fear break. Fear had controlled my life and decisions for far longer than I cared to admit or even realized.  I knew that fear had completely broken, I was sure of it because for the first time in my life I was not afraid to die. I can’t explain the liberation in this feeling, it was nothing I could ever have achieved on my own. It was a miracle breakthrough I never thought I would see in my lifetime. I was free and in that moment I knew my healing would be complete.

No More Fear

Fear is no joke. It’s not to be messed with or entertained. When we allow it for even moments we begin to give it access in our lives. So how do we manage fear? Seek out the root, where did it begin and where is it strongest? Ask Holy Spirit to reveal it and surrender whatever it is. The hard part comes in maintaining it. After all of my treatment concluded I would face some of the most fearful and anxious days I had ever seen. I hated it, but it was in these anxious, fearful moments that I learned how to maintain my freedom and walk it out day to day. Prophesying life over my mind and my body, declaring the promises and truth God has spoken over my life. When I do this I not only remind myself of what God promised me, but I remind the enemy who is on my team and what God says is the truth about me. Most importantly when fear hits, I worship. I almost always have worship music playing. I have playlists with specific songs for specific struggles and I put them on as I need them. When we worship Holy Spirit draws near to us and the enemy cannot remain. He hates the sound of worship and our Father loves it. When I set an atmosphere around my life where the Father loves to remain and the enemy hates I maintain peace and balance in my life and home. Walking out freedom from any kind of stronghold in your life is no easy task, especially those related to fear. It can feel extremely overwhelming at times and seem as though the mountain is too high, but HE is the the mountain mover. He can shift any atmosphere and break any chain. He can set you free from fear just like he did me. It’s really just a matter of how surrendered we are willing to be.

Jesus please heal me, I want to see my children grow

It was a perfect warm July evening in 2015, the kids were gone for the night and my husband and I had an evening out all to ourselves. On the way home the pain set in, excruciating pain in my right side. My husband was concerned and asked me if we needed to go to the ER. I said no, that I thought I could probably tough it out. This had been going on for a while, but this particular night the pain was much worse than it had been in the months leading up. My doctor said it was probably an ulcer and had treated it as such. I knew it wasn't. My husband was begging me to please call my doctor again, I promised I would first thing monday morning. Monday morning I got a call from my nephrologist (kidney doctor). A couple weeks before, my PCP  had run some labs following my appointment. My kidney function was down significantly. I am a kidney transplant patient and received a kidney transplant back in 2012... another story for another day. My nephrologist wanted to biopsy my kidney so I asked if they could please ultrasound my right side while they were at it because I had been experiencing significant pain. They asked about the pain and told me to please go in for an ultrasound right away. We did and the waiting began... Thursday I received a call, they had seen masses on my liver and wanted me to come in right away for a biopsy of the masses. Friday they did a Biopsy... again we waited. Tuesday afternoon we received a call that the results showed lymphoma. We still had no idea of the extent. We assumed we had caught it early and treatment should be simple enough, lymphoma is generally treatable and responsive to chemo. My mother and father in law suggested we go to the Healing Rooms at Bethel right away while I could still travel easily. They offered to take our kids, then 5 and 8 years old. So we got in the car and headed to Redding. On the way down we cranked a Jesus Culture album and my husband claimed a song called "Show me your Glory" as our anthem and prayer as we headed into this unknown season. I received prayer and ministry at Bethel and was blessed. One particular statement jumped out at me and I kept claiming it as my promise; "God wants your healing more than you do, he went to the cross for it". I realized I had no problem believing God had gone to the cross for my salvation but had never really considered that it was just as much for my healing as it was my salvation! " By his STRIPES we are healed!" It's right there plain as day but it had never been so revelatory to me as it was that day.

The following week I had my first PET scan, the diagnosis: Stage 4 B-Cell lymphoma with a MYC mutated gene. The cancer had spread and covered my entire liver, it was also in my right sinus and my neck. Treatment would begin immediately. The tricky part was that nasty little demon that concealed itself as a mutated MYC gene. It caused the cancer the reproduce quickly and caused high risk for recurrence after treatment and remission. They said there was about a 30-35% chance chemo would work, and that most likely the cancer would return due to that gene. We knew in that moment we needed a miracle. My husband was in tears and I was so shocked and unprepared for this diagnosis that I just sat and stared at the PET pictures. "This can't be happening" I said to my husband.  My prayer in that very moment? "Jesus, please heal me. I want to see my children grow."

TREATMENT

We left the appointment and my husband went to pick up the kids and take them to our hometown 90 min away to be with some AMAZING friends of ours so Tim could be with me.  After he left I had to wait for my room to be prepared. I went to check in, I had been to this hospital a hundred times, but I couldn't seem to figure out where to check in. I sat down on a bench and started to cry. I wept harder than ever before and after what seemed like an embarrassing amount of time a nurse came up and asked me if I needed help. I told her yes, she put her arm around me and walked me where I needed to be. She didn't say a word, but somehow I could tell she knew what I was facing. Thus began what would end up being more than 800 hours of chemo over 6 months. Hour upon hour where the presence of the Lord would meet me and change me in ways I never thought possible.

Treatment was challenging to say the least, but during my first week of treatment I had the first of 2 undeniable encounters with God that would happen during treatment. In this encounter he destroyed that MYC gene and gave me a promise of healing. This encounter boosted my faith in a way I had not before known and gave me hope that he would see me through.  

From that day on, I woke up every morning and asked God to give me just enough grace for that day. I took life one day at a time because my tomorrow was uncertain and frankly too scary to think about. I made a decision every day to place my tomorrow in his hands, where it belonged and face my today with the grace of a healing savior.  I would put on worship music and sit in the presence of God all day. I would read scripture, proclaim promises, and prophecy healing over my body from my bed. I didn't have strength for much more. On good days I rested while the kids were at school and was able to function fairly "normal" for the evening while they were home. They would go to bed, and I would crash. Barely able to keep my eyes open. I prayed daily for strength for my kids and husband knowing this was just as hard, if not harder on them then it was me. I would pray daily, “Jesus please heal me, I want to see my children grow.

STEM CELL TRANSPLANT

In December 2015 I finished what was to be my last round of chemo and was excited to start 2016 cancer free and done with this chapter of my life. I was claiming it, believing it, and praying it everyday so when my PET scan came back showing a tiny spot of cancer I was beyond disappointed. I knew that spot meant more treatment and I was not sure I could endure anymore. God had brought me through the first 6 months with miracle after miracle and grace upon grace. I knew that His grace would continue if I continued to surrender, but the thought of deeper surrender somehow seemed impossible. I had poured out every last ounce of me at the cross contending for a miracle. This desperation would lead me to a second unbelievable encounter with the Lord where he broke and set me free from the spirit of fear and where I believe he dissolved and healed that final spot of cancer.

I would still have 2 more rounds of intense chemo, and was informed during these two rounds that they recommended a autologous stem cell transplant. This would use my own stem cells to rebuild my immune system. We talked and prayed  a lot about this procedure and both my husband and I felt it was wisdom and God’s direction to move forward with the stem cell transplant. It would greatly reduce the chance of recurrence.

The day I was admitted for the procedure was my son’s 9th birthday. My heart broke and again I surrounded myself daily with the sounds of Praise and Worship, proclaimed promises, listened to messages on faith and healing, read books, and prophesied healing over my body. This season in my life felt lonely and isolating but in that loneliness I found the solitude of his presence that would fulfill my every need and get me through every hour.

The transplant went as smoothly as it possibly could have. I was released a few days early from the hospital and then allowed to leave the Portland area a week before I was supposed to be able to go home. God heard my heart and did another miracle, I was home earlier than expected and could finally begin to heal and get back to living the brand new life God had given me.
Life would be significantly different, it had to be different after all I had endured. To turn back to my old way of life made the whole thing seem meaningless somehow. I knew God had taken what the enemy had intended to destroy me with, turned it around miraculously and used it for his glory. Life had to be different now, but just how different? Well, that part I am still figuring out as I let the Father guide my life in a whole new way.