Do you ever hear a song and it speaks to you so much you feel like it's telling your life story? As if somehow the writer had a window into your soul when they wrote the lyric? That's how I feel about "Defender" by Rita Springer. The whole song is an anthem for me but there is a line in the chorus that in it's simplicity speaks to me in a profound way; "Hallelujah Great Defender, so much better your way". This lyric put words to a work the Lord had already begun in my heart but I didn't quite have the language to describe.
In our humanity we are often quick to "defend our way" we want people to see, know and understand the how and the why of what we do. In the past few years the Lord has been teaching me to stop living my life on the defense and allow Him to be my defender in everything. When I surrender my defense I allow the Father to do things His way. When things go His way it is always SO much better than any plan I could fabricate on my own. His way is divine, His way sees details I will never see, His way directs my paths in ways my mind cannot comprehend, His way requires trust. It erases the selfish facade of security I create and allows me to see broad spectrum. It opens my eyes to people and things around me that I otherwise miss. I am learning day by day to trust that His way is always the best way.
Does that mean I never default to wanting to do things my way? No, it simply means I'm quick to surrender my way, quick to lay down how I think things should look and allow circumstances to unfold His way. This has been a hard lesson, one that is ongoing and is taking time but the Lord is so faithful to be patient with me in the process.
When I went through cancer treatment I had to learn to surrender what I thought things should look like and allow Him to defend my life the way He wanted. When I started chemo they told me I would need 6 rounds. Being the planner that I am, I set to my calendar and mapped out 6 rounds of chemo. I figured they would go perfectly smoothly and I would finish chemo in November 2015 and enter 2016 cancer free and done with treatment.
After my first round of in-patient chemo I ended up neutropenic (meaning I had an extremely low white blood cell count) and I was re-admitted to the hospital after only being home 2 days, tossing my entire treatment calendar to the wind. I quickly realized that everything about this process was completely out of my control. Throughout my treatment there were other issues that came up causing more delay. I often found myself disappointed that things were not going the way I had imagined. I would cry out to God, He was always faithful to show up and see me through. Time and time again he brought breakthrough in my time of need but it almost never looked how I thought it would. My 6th chemo came and went, after a PET scan that still showed a tiny spot of cancer they decided on 2 additional rounds of in-patient chemo at OHSU. These would be more intense then the first 6 out-patient treatments. Yet again, things were not looking how I thought they should but after an intense encounter with Jesus where He broke the spirit of fear and gave me a promise of healing I felt full of hope and faith heading into those treatments.
(see blog post titled No More Fear to hear more about that encounter).
The end was in sight... or so I thought. I had finished up the two treatments and the doctors informed us that they thought we should consider an autologuous stem cell transplant. My husband and I struggled with this decision knowing we had a promise of healing but not being able to ignore the facts that surrounded the success of the stem cell transplant. After much prayer and consideration we decided to go forward with it. This meant 6-8 weeks away from my family. Yet again things were not looking the way I had hoped. But God showed up and drew me closer than ever during the whole process. I encountered Jesus in a deep way and learned to allow him to defend me when I was much too weak.
He took what could have been up to an 8 week process and did things His way. I was released from the hospital just after 3 weeks and was allowed to leave Portland and go home about 2 and a half weeks after that. His way accelerated what I had mapped out in my head. I was cancer free, rejoicing in his Miraculous work and His undeniable faithfulness to see me through the most difficult season of my life.
3 months after my stem cell transplant they did a follow up PET scan. I was holding onto God's promises and for the first time since being diagnosed I was not nervous about the results. I walked confidently into my appointment only to have my confidence dashed by a report of a tiny spot on my liver where most of the cancer had originally been. They couldn't be sure it was cancer and it was too small to biopsy, our only choice was to wait.
As we waited I struggled with the anxiety of it all. I wasn't ready to face cancer again after just barely getting my life back. I hadn't even fully recovered from the stem cell transplant and all the chemo. I couldn't understand what was happening but I had learned to surrender that which I do not understand into the hands of the father trusting that he had a plan far better than what I could see.
I continued doing what I had done all along, I prayed, I worshiped, I declared promises and prophesied healing over my body. During that waiting month I trusted God and believed his promises. When my next PET scan came back now showing 2 spots, I was crushed and disappointed. I felt the disappointment, then picked myself up off the floor and began to trust yet again that things were better His way. The doctors were almost certain these 2 spots must be cancer returning and were talking to us about our options. I was almost certain they were not cancer but had absolutely no idea what they could be. The doctors decided to biopsy.
I went home and cried out to God. "What is happening here? You have told me I will live and not die, you told me cancer wouldn't touch me again! You paid for this healing on the cross, I believe it completely so why are these spots not gone?" I was frustrated, feeling hopeless and not sure what to do. The Lord spoke 3 simple words but they were crystal clear; "Expect a miracle".
I took those words as a promise, and began to prophesy that promise over my life. Over and over I told myself to expect a miracle until I began to believe it. I went into the biopsy sure that they were not going to find a spot to biopsy and expecting a miracle. During the procedure and they quickly found and performed the biopsy on the 2 spots. I was again horribly disappointed. I walked to the car with my husband and cried.
I had no understanding, God told me to expect a miracle and I did so why were they able to find a spot? I went home and I cried out to God, he responded with the same 3 simple words; "Expect a miracle". I again responded by prophesying my promise over and over until I believed it.
My husband and I walked into the appointment where we would receive the results of the biopsy. He was partnering with my faith and I was absolutely certain I would receive a good report although I had no idea how those spots could be explained if they were not cancer. The doctor walked in and delivered the news, "we can't find any cancer" even he couldn't believe what he was saying. "They are sure they got the spots in the biopsy but they are just showing some dead liver tissue, we cannot find any trace of cancer."
Due to all the cancer that had previously been on my liver and all the treatment I had been through, dead liver tissue made sense. I was able to share with our doctor about the miracle God was performing. Jesus was honored in that appointment.
You see, I had projected my idea of what the miracle should look like because my carnal mind could not possibly conceive things going any other way. I still had faith that God would do a miracle, I wasn't capable of it on my own. I had pure motives but at the time the only way I could wrap my head around expecting a miracle was for it to look the way I thought it should. The Father however, saw details I could not see. He knew the best way to defend and heal me. He knew it was better His way and that it had to be done His way, even if I couldn't understand it. In the end His way brought the Miracle and Jesus was glorified.
-"Hallelujah Great defender, so much better your way"-
